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Friday, 02 January 2009 10:12 |
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This just in, folks, sent in from alert reader Juanita from the Good Clean Funnies List.
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
SARAH PALIN: Before it got to the other side, I shot the
chicken, cleaned and dressed it, and had chicken burgers for
lunch.
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was
time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road
because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and
dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the
road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped
that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes
me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that
every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to
cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed
the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side
of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for
us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly
see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the
road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross,
and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not
for it now and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some
black chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken
doesn't realize that he must first deal with the problem on
this side of the road before it goes after the problem on
the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him
realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current
problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having
problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad.
So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and
take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this
chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a
chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the
other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's
guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking
American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that
chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's
Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain
level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it
with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it
crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the
road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and
that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments,
we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first
time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a
serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its
lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing
roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will
not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is
an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much
more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or
did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
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Wednesday, 24 December 2008 08:25 |
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Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the economy sucks. Yes, our troops are in harm's way, but let us not forget the season...in the words of the late and great Dr. Seuss, "Welcome, Christmas, while we stand heart to heart and hand in hand...Christmas time will always be just as long as we have we."
Something to be thankful for. Greg |
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Friday, 31 October 2008 08:02 |
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What they don't tell you in Becoming-an-Author-School (this isn't really a school...unless school of hard knocks qualifies), is that you'll have to and WANT to visit schools as part of the gig. Actually, visiting a school, where you are the resident rock star for the day is a pretty sweet gig. Recently, I've discovered websites where an author can put his name out there with the hope that someone will want to invite him/her to their school. Along those lines, check out the following website. Pretty cool. Here's another one. So I'm getting myself out there, ladies and gentlemen. Next week I'm heading to the San Luis Obispo area for a school visit, and the following week I have a couple of events scheduled in Simi Valley. Greg (the reluctant blogger) |
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Saturday, 27 September 2008 11:28 |
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I've spent the last four days visiting schools in Visalia, California. Fun times. The highlight of my school presentations is when I get the kids up to act out one of the Melvin books. First, I have the them audition for the role of the bad guy by competing in an evil laugh contest. This is something Rhode Montijo and I came up with on our first book tour back in 2006, and I've been doing it ever since. The kids really get into it. So do the teachers and parents.
Anyway, I'm heading back to Visalia on Monday for four more days of school visits. Fire up for more evil laughs...Mwah ha ha!
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School Visits - Visalia California |
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Monday, 22 September 2008 08:58 |
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Hi folks. Long time no blog. I last posted about my guy trip to San Francisco with my literary best pal Steven P. Good times...we spent our days either riding bikes over the Golden Gate bridge or hoofing around the city (to the tune of about 12 miles per day. Actually, this isn't a tune, but you get the idea).
Today I'm heading to Visalia, California for two weeks of school visits. The following is where I'll be presenting:
September 23, Mineral King
September 24, Royal Oaks
September 25, Hernandez
September 26, Linwood
Septembeer 30, Mountain View
October 1, Four Creeks
October 2, Elbow Creek
October 3, Veva Blunt
Looking forward to talking kids lit and writing with the kids and teachers.
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Road Trip - San Francisco |
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Monday, 25 August 2008 11:51 |
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Well, the big news is that I'm heading out this Thursday for my annual Guy Trip. This is my fourteenth consecutive such trip with my good friend from high school, Steven P. The past thirteen have been to the Eastern Sierra for camping, fishing, and general tall tales around the campfire (while sipping margaritas on the rocks). But this year we're thinking we'll do the hotel thing. Destination?...San Francisco. Steve is a literary type, like myself, so why not hang out with the ghosts of the beat poets? North Beach, baby. City Lights Book Store. Hopefully, we'll absorb some of the vibe and come back charged to write something hot. If not, a road trip is never a bad thing. Right?
Generally, in the past, our trips have turned into all-night-manuscript-reading-sessions, where Steve and I run our latest works of fiction past one another—it's become much more about hanging out than catching fish in recent years. I think we'll still swap our stories at some point this year...meantime, we'll have some good food, drink, and listen to a little jazz. Now that's my kind of Road Trip. Greg
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Dead Guys Interview - John Lennon |
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Saturday, 26 July 2008 13:01 |
The other day I sat down for a chat with ex-Beatle, John Lennon. Here’s what we talked about.
Greg - Hi John, let me just say I’m a HUGE fan.
John - You don’t look that huge.
Greg - Seriously.
John - Everybody loves you when you're six feet in the ground.
Greg - What is your advice to writers and other creative sorts?
John - All you need is love.
Greg - Good one...that would make a good song.
John - Indeed.
Greg - What are your thoughts on imagination, creativity, dreams, etc?
John - I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?
Greg - Some people call you a dreamer. What do you have to say to that?
John - You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will be as one.
Greg - That would make a good sign too.
John - Indeed.
Greg - Keep going—you’re on a roll.
John - I just said indeed.
Greg - I know, but it’s working!
John - Okay, I have something say.
Greg - See? What’d I tell you?
John - We've got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can't just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it's going to get on by itself. You've got to keep watering it. You've got to really look after it and nurture it.
Greg - Any thoughts on the war in Iraq.
John - All we are saying is give peace a chance.
Well, there you have it, folks. A moment in time with a real rock legend. Until next time—Greg.
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I Google myself, therefore I am. |
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Tuesday, 15 July 2008 03:11 |
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I was Googling myself the other day—I know what you're thinking; get a life, big guy—and I came across a blog that listed a few great opening lines. Check it out:
"If your teacher has to die, August isn't a bad time of year for it."
The Teacher’s Funeral by Richard Peck
“Linderwall was a large kingdom, just east of the Mountains of Morning, where philosophers were highly respected and the number five was fashionable.”
Dealing with Dragons by Patricia C. Wrede
“The early summer sky was the color of cat vomit.”
The Uglies by Scott Westerfeld
“Please tell me that’s not going to be part of my birthday dinner this evening.”
A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray
"We went to the moon to have fun, but the moon turned out to completely suck."
Feed by M.T. Anderson
"I have been accused of being anal retentive, an over-achiever, and a compulsive perfectionist like those those are bad things."
Millicent Min, Girl Genius by Lisa Yee
"Melvin Beederman didn't feel like a superhero."
The Curse of the Bologna Sandwich by Greg Trine
Well, what do you know...Melvin Beederman made the list. The blog goes on to suggest that you can use one of these opening lines to start your own story. I think this would be a great thing to do when you don't know what to write, or if you're stuck...use some else's opening and see where it leads. Then cut the opening line and you'll have something original that you can either develop or scrap. Either way, it got you writing.
Lisa Yee's opening is hilarious, don't you think? Greg
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Quote of the Week (and other stuff) |
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Monday, 23 June 2008 14:04 |
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"When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half."
Major points to anyone who can tell me who said this.
But, alas...I digress. In other news, now that I'm knee-deep in my YA novel, entitled Blankity Blank (code for "I can't tell you the real title or my editor will kick my butt), I've been thinking about my writing process. Years ago, I read about an author who would spend the first fifteen minutes of his writing time each day by reading and editing the previous day's writing. He emphasized never spending more than fifteen minutes doing this, otherwise you may get stuck revising and never write anything new. This seems to be my process as well. I read the previous day's material, make a few changes, then press on. Five hundred to a thousand words is a good day for me. I rarely write more than this—but I write seven days a week if at all possible, especially if I have a deadline.
What's your process? Let me know. Greg
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Saturday, 21 June 2008 08:31 |
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Here's what I've been thinking...
There are superheroes, and there are supermodels, which makes me wonder...why aren't other occupations adding the super prefix to their job titles? We could have superplumbers, superfiremen, super-refrigerator repairmen, and of course, superBaskin-Robins-workers. Or how about superpoliticians or superjanitors? How about superteachers or superwindow cleaners?
Seems to me that fashion models highjacked the word super and the rest of the non-fashion-model world should wake up and smell the anorexia. If they can use the name super, so can we.
Advice from your friendly neighborhood superauthor. Greg
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Friday, 20 June 2008 11:28 |
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Imagine if you combined Get Smart with Men in Black...or if The X-Files was written by Mel Brooks. The other night I was flipping through TV channels and I stumbled upon just such a program—a very funny show called The Middleman. It airs Monday night on ABC Family. The main character gets into himself into with various scrapes with wise guys, mad scientists, gorillas bent on world domination, and uses such lingo as "geepers" and "swell." Very funny stuff. I've only see one episode and I'm already a fan.
Check out the highly interactive Middleman Website. Tune in next Monday and let me know what you think. Greg
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Page 3 of 11 |
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Greetings!
Welcome to my blog:
On writing, children’s literature, and chocolate!
Name: Greg Trine
Home: California
Favorite Quote: Have you saved the world lately? – Melvin Beederman
Favorite Reads: Bloody Jack series,
Favorite Movies: Shawshank Redemption, Back to the Future, Princess Bride, It’s a Wonderful Life,
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